-Hebrews 12:14-15
You may have seen infomercials for "Insanity Workout," well, my husband and I have been doing these workout videos together. It definitely lives up to its name. Usually at some point during the workout I am laying on the floor in the fetal position gasping for breath! I have also noticed my increasing habit to grumble at the video instructor and complain at the super-human athleticism of the spunky people in the video. The reality is it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me. Their energetic attitude highlights my frustration, and their flawless form accentuates the ways I am doing it wrong and need to improve.
The same thing happens in relationships. Often we can be quick to criticize and resent another person, when the reality is that we are frustrated with them because they highlight areas in our own life needing sanctification.
Let me offer some examples:
- The annoying co-worker or boss that we dread running into on a daily basis. We use the excuse that we have conflicting personalities, they are not a very hard worker, or they do not appreciate all the work we do. The reality may be that we resent them for drawing out our own impatience and polite pretending. They highlight how self-absorbed we really are.
- A husband sits with his wife at dinner while she talks through the details of her day, recounting various stories about the children. He tries to be interested, but inside he is bored and distracted by things at work. He thinks about a few of his buddies that are much more interesting, funny, and stimulating to be around. He uses the excuse that he and his wife do not have much in common anymore. The reality is that they have a family and life together in common and he is making excuses for his own selfishness, apathy, and misplaced priorities.
- A friend of mine is parenting a child with some learning disabilities. She admitted to me that while her child can act immature, be disrespectful, and presents extra challenges, the reality is that this child constantly points to her own parenting flaws. She is constantly confronted by her bad attitude and short-temper. She asked me to pray that she would not resent this difficult situation, but instead she would use it as an opportunity to grow.
I understand every situation can be different and pose unique challenges. People can be incredibly difficult and you can attempt everything to work at the relationship. The problem is we are all sinful, selfish, and imperfect people. Are you willing to allow the conflict with others to help you acknowledge the sin in your own life and the personal opportunity for growth? Gary Thomas says, "when disagreements arise, the natural tendency is to flee. Rather than work through the misunderstanding (or sin), we typically take a much more economical path- we search for another church, another job, another neighborhood, another friend, another spouse."1 Beware of merely running away from the ways God is using difficult situations to confront your sin. Be careful not to let bitterness and resentment take root. Hebrews 12:14-15 warns that when we allow bitterness to have a foothold it prevents us from pursuing sanctification. When this happens we can miss out on God's grace, and it can even keep us from seeing God. This is why all throughout Scripture we are told to reconcile our relationships with others before coming to the altar of God (Matthew 5:23-24; Mark 11:25; Luke 6:37; Matthew 6:12-15; Ephesians 4:31; 1 Timothy 2:8). So what will the choice be, resentment or sanctification?
Let me end by sharing the beautiful, and rather convicting prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
1 Gary Thomas, "Sacred Marriage," Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000. pg 162.
Ouch. So convicting. But so encouraging. If God wants to make me a useful vessel or remove some dross, I can put up with the process. We can accept any HOW when we have a WHY and because I know WHO, I can resist bitterness.
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